Since I only have a week left to enjoy my freedom, I am going to act lazier than the sloth that I am. I will do anything I want. Savor up the moment, because I won’t be having the time of my life due to Saturday classes.
It also means that I have to sleep earlier. *Cries* Because honestly, my body clock is pretty messed up. I sleep more than 12 hours a day and I stay up too late. So if I want to survive college, I have to fix my fucked up body clock. Especially that I have 7 am classes. I wouldn’t want to fail due to absence.
So I bid late-night blogging farewell. The ideas that will come into my mind at this time of the night on the next days will just have to enjoy the company of my weirdest thoughts and dreams, because I will have to write you down the following day. I am deeply sorry.
I am having some pre-college stress. Well, I only have a week left of vacation and the post I read about my course is giving me a panic attack.
I have two math related subjects, a subject for critical thinking, and two programming classes. Can I just die? I barely passed math when I was in 4th year, how can I possibly handle two college level math subjects? And critical thinking? For real? Another thing I suck at. I know a little about programming, we were taught at school, but I’m not even good. So I highly doubt I can manage on that department.
Wish me luck, tons of it. Just thinking about all these college stuff scares me. I hope I can make it through all of it.
I just wrote my dad a message, and tears won’t stop from falling. Like I have said before, I’ve never been the expressive one. My mum actually worries about me, how I keep everything from them. So when I try to open up, things get rough. I cry.
My dad has been in Saudi Arabia for two months now. And tonight’s probably the first time I sent him a message since. I still remember how I cried the first time I talked to him over the phone, so I refrained from trying to contact him. Because I’m scared that I might turn off again.
I absolutely regret that moment, because I just made things worse. I made them worse for my dad who’s probably missing us more than we miss him. At least we have each other, but he doesn’t have anyone. He lives all alone, no one would be there if ever he gets sad, and no one would be there to nurse him if ever he gets sick.
I know that we all have to make sacrifices every once in awhile, but I don’t think I’m ever gonna get used to this. I don’t think I can pull myself together and condition myself not to cry whenever I think about my dad. But I have got to try. At least for my mum and for my dad as well. I owe them that.
Sooner or later, I need to stop being so sensitive and weak. I have got to stay strong, and I have got to act more mature. I have got to show my dad that I can be someone my mum could lean on, trust, and confide in. I need to, while my dad’s not around to be that person.
Hurrah for short hair!
I usually think at times like this, when everyone is already fast asleep and peace and quite can be finally achieved. I have been nocturnal this summer, sleeping in the day and doing my living in the night.
I love the eerie feeling I get whenever I stay up late. That’s the main reason why I do. At night, a hurricane of ideas always comes in. Things I never thought of before, sprouting out of nowhere. I admit, that I sometimes find my thoughts weird and wonder how I even thought of them. But I like it. I like thinking, and wondering why. I have tons of unanswered questions, unsaid theories, and a whole lot of crazy and out of this world thoughts. I am a very curious kid.
I perfectly remember the feeling of being the new kid. A stranger, an outcast, the person being stared at and whispered about. It’s a feeling that never seemed to go away, maybe it’s because I’m that used to it, or maybe because I never really see myself as someone who everyone will be familiar of.
Three years was the longest stay I did in a school. I always move, from one school to another, like it doesn’t even matter. Why do I always transfer, you ask? I honestly don’t know. I have asked my mum about it a handful of times, but I don’t really get a decent enough answer.
Some people think it’s cool, that I get to meet a lot of people. That I have a lot of friends. But they don’t really know what I really feel about it. They don’t know what I always wanted to say.
The first day of class was always hard. People would see you as a complete stranger, impressions coming in fast. While you sit alone somewhere in the room asking, Why won’t time run any faster? Yes, that’s what I always wanted to happen. To get over with all of it, the deafening silence and full-on awkwardness.
Transferring schools had made me regret things, yes. The shame of not having any permanent friends, and the sadness of always leaving them behind. But they’re all consequences of not speaking up. Of letting silence pass whenever my mum asks if everything is alright. I never dared to ask her if ever I could stay. The possibility of me keeping everything I started, gone and never will it be within my reach.
I sometimes wonder how my life would have been if I did have the courage to ask. Would I still be the girl that I am now? Or I’d be someone completely different? Of course, I’ll never know. I blew the chance of finding out a long time ago.
Opening myself to other people has always been hard for me. I choose to keep all of what I feel inside, hidden and to never be found. I enclosed myself with a protective wall to keep people and what they have to say out.
I’m not afraid of criticism or being judge. You can judge me and ridicule me as much as you want, let’s see if I even give a damn. What I’m afraid of is letting people in. I can’t stand the idea of people seeing right through me.
Just 12 days from now, the school year everyone’s been dreading will officially start. I will soon say goodbye to my summer habits, and sadly welcome back my dear friend, Stress. But of course, just like any other incoming freshman, I am not real sure if I can already handle being a real college kid. Expected to go to school despite heavy rains, and no more TGIFs because of Saturday classes. Am I ready to get out there and take on college? Probably, not.
And here are some reasons why I think I’m not ready for college just yet. This again, calls for bullets. Badum Tss.
That was just the chicken hiding inside of me. Scared, baffled, with tons of uncertainness. But there’s no turning back. I wanted this, and so I’m going to go for it. Besides, one thing life has taught me is that it’s all in the mind. If I’ll continue to think that I can’t possibly survive college, then I won’t.
All I need is a little time, to breathe and absorb every single bit of it. And I have to do it fast, because whether I like it or not, time is running out, and fast. Less than two weeks from now, I would have to face it all.
Confusion and doubt have always been my constant companions. From deciding on what to wear whenever I go out, down to things that would really make an impact in my life. Though my parents have always been there to guide me, up to the point where they do everything for me, there are still instances when I feel like even their guidance wouldn’t help.
Sometimes, in the middle of a sentence, I suddenly forget what I’m saying. It’s like one moment you exactly know what to say but then the next, you have no idea what you’re actually doing.
It’s like your head suddenly goes blank, all your thoughts and ideas being stripped away. And if you start thinking about what you were about to say, it completely vanishes. Gone, and so out of reach.
It’s like a balloon being set free into the wind, one moment you see it flying up to the skies, a second later, you don’t know what you’re watching anymore. The balloon being nothing but a figment of your imagination.
